Today I had a breakthrough as I remembered a truth that I had forgotten lately: the pain of the in-between state.
You know how sometimes you want to do it all, and you end up frustrated because you feel like you are doing a lot of things but half-way through.
Well, it hit me again today as I was torn between:
A) cooking a mushroom quiche for my beloved for a surprise date night
B) tackling one of these urgent tasks that I have been procrastinating for weeks
C) just join my baby on his colorful puzzle mat to tickle him and let my heart melt as I hear his giggles.
Well, when I want to do it all …
I sigh in frustration when my baby boy decides to wake up from his nap and cries his eyes out … JUST WHEN I was about to tackle that urgent thing sitting on my bullet journal.
I grimace when I take a sip of my black coffee that is now cold.
I drag my feet the entire day, silently complaining about how impossible it is to focus on my work or do something for myself since I became a mom.
Then I see my beloved walk through the front door as he gets home from work, and I realize that the surprise date night is gonna sit on the procrastination list for another day.
I didn’t cook nor get ready for it.
I may even still have a milk stain on my shirt from my baby’s vomit.
Now I feel guilty for not being a good enough wife on top of everything else.
And I think to myself: I feel exhausted anyway so let’s try again tomorrow hoping the stars will align better.
After beating myself up for a while and getting tired of the voice of my opportunist inner-critic monster, I remember that there is always a better way.
What if I could pick one of these things and go all the way through the finish line? Just one…
Like if baby is in a demanding mood and I have no client calls that day, I could go ahead and be 100% present with him all day long.
How would it feel to go to sleep at the end of the day feeling like I showed up as the mother I intend to be for him?
Or tackle one of those work projects I have been procrastinating for too long and sit with the feeling of accomplishment when I finally cross it off the darn to do list.
Or make a real commitment to honor the surprise date night plan even if I would rather wear my pyjamas and go to bed after watching another episode of Black Mirror on Netflix.
The truth is that most of the times the painful or uncomfortable aspect is not the actual challenge that is in front of us, but the in-between situation.
When we are at a crossroad but don’t know which way to go.
When we notice that we don’t fit anymore in our current life, job, relationship, but freak out not knowing yet what the future may look like if we dare to walk out.
The very deep shift of identity that is occurring to us during major life transitions is not that scary anymore when we let go of our resistance and dive into it with both feet.
However, it is indeed terrifying when we are seeing one part of us disintegrating before our eyes without having a clue about who our future self will be.
Check in with yourself and look out for any situation where you feel this in-between state.
How would it feel if you would allow yourself to go all the way through?
You may immediately hear a voice in your head saying: “but I can’t just ___” (fill the blank).
If so, tell that voice that she can relax, you are just giving yourself permission to explore, and let your imagination wander for a moment.